Parenting in 2020!

                                       

    "We may not be able to prepare the future for our                  children, but we can atleast prepare our children for the future"

                                     Franklin Roosevelt

Being a mom and a child psychiatrist, I always question about parenting rules. If you compare your childhood and your kid's childhood, there is a vast difference. 

WHY PARENTING IS DIFFICULT NOW A DAYS:

Our parents never had to deal with electronics, social media, video games, social isolation, corona, or online schooling!! So in my opinion parenting in old days was way easier than our time! I also feel that our parents were not focused on money as much regarding teaching to kids and we all turned out fine! Now a days I see parents negotiating with their kids for rewards, incentive in return to get their kids to do what they should be doing already in the first place!  

 

So I am trying to point out reasons/areas where we do need to focus while parenting.

• TOO MUCH CONTROL:

Everything is about "if you do this"   " you will get that".

In general child's life is becoming  "controlled" from the time parents know they are pregnant!  No one care what a child would like to have in his or her surroundings but parents start buying expensive things to decorate the "baby room" and expensive toys that may or may not be used. Too some extent it is more like a show off than really enjoying the parenthood.

Once the child is born, parents decide what he/she will wear, eat, drink, sleep till the kid starts rebelling against all those rules! And then we see that as a "defiant" child and starts punishing him/her for making choices that he should be allowed to. Parents decide when to start daycare, kindergarten, which school to go to and the list goes on till the kid turns 18 ,which in current definition is called an "adult" but he or she has no skill of an adult and how to survive in the real world without parents being there to decide! Because he was never allowed to make his/her own choices or learn from his/her mistakes at a younger age. Parents are always there to "protect" him/her from every single "evil" thing in life. 

• WHAT DO BABY NEEDS:

 A baby needs time with their parents to be cared, nurtured and loved. They don't need a "baby room" where they have to sleep alone in a crib and they can't feel a mother or father's warmth.  If you see any other mammals, their babies are always sleeping on them or close to their bodies. Why? cause it gives them sense of security. Kids who grow up alone sleeping from the beginning are at more of a risk of developing anxiety, fear, or lack of confidence.

"A lot of parents will do anything for their kid except let them be themselves"- Banksy

•  CHORES & REWARDS:

I hear from lot of parents teaching kids to do chores at certain age which is great but then they will pay the child for each chore! What bothers me is, a child is a part of the family and every person in that household needs to take care of each other when the person is in need and also give their share of helping out.

  WHY DO YOU HAVE TO PAY A CHILD TO TEACH A THING THAT HE SHOULD BE DOING WITHOUT GETTING PAID! WHO IS GOING TO PAY TO DO HIS LAUNDRY OR PUT HIS STUFF WHERE IT BELONGS WHEN HE GOES TO COLLEGE?

The moment you bring money into any conversation, the sense of doing on own or just being responsible is gone. Everything will then be calculated based on money including all relationships. The person who gives more money for the same chore, he or she will be the favorite parent! 

The other thing I have noticed is when the child wants some specific toy, I have seen parents bargaining to teach kid finances by how much money/work the child can do to "earn" that toy. Are we teaching kid that there is nothing in this world that we do out of "love" or " being a parent"?  Are we preparing future workers instead of dreamers?

• SOCIETY PRESSURE:

Now a days, for parents to feel to be a "good parent", they have to buy things for kids, send them to expensive schools or get them in expensive camps to satisfy their ego that they are doing the right thing as a parent. But what they are not seeing is by doing that, they are teaching kids that materialistic world is more important than giving more time to kids, playing with what they want to play or taking them to places they want to go- even for some ice cream.

 "There are two things we should give our children. One is roots and the other is wings."

• ROLE MODEL AS A PARENT:

I firmly believe that whatever values you want to teach your kid, you need to show in your behavior first. Kids learn from adults around them.  If a parent is focused on not spending time with their own parents, no respect for their own parents, focused on materialistic things, not understanding the real meaning of friendship, there is no way you will see any of those traits in your child. And I guarantee you, karma will come back at you when you are old and they are adults!!

So if you want to teach your kids to be honest, don't lie to them.

If you want them to listen to you, do listen to them.

If you want them to respect you, do respect them.

"Children learn more from what you are than what you teach".

•  TOO MUCH STRUCTURE:

The other thing I find it difficult as a child advocate: Keeping kids busy all the time! Do you ever remember your parents worried about what will they do with you in summer break!!! For us growing up summer break was the time we all were looking forward to. There is no school, no commitment, no stress about waking up early. Only visiting uncles and aunts, cousins, grand parents and that was the fun thing for us! 

Now granted current time is different but if we want our kids to have balanced IQ (intellectual quotient) /EQ (emotional quotient) /SQ (social quotient) then we have to find time from our busy life to give them time rather than putting them in summer camp which is nothing but another kind of school. We can't keep kids all the time in structured environment. 

If we want them to grow, we need to give them time without rules and structure and let them figure out how to use their time and energy. let them get bored! Do you when you are bored that is the only time your brain can think of some creative ideas to work on!

But we have to provide that environment and culture to our kids. Let them explore the nature, teach how to take care of people, plants, animals. 

• ELECTRONIC OVERLOAD:

Now we all know electronics have created a different world for all of us. But we all know that the technology is not going away any time soon! So we have to learn to live with it and use it for our benefit but not relying on it for every type of entertainment in our life!

I know in every house there is a power struggle for screen time. How much is too much?

Well it depends on what you are using it for :) But still it is not healthy for anyone to sit in front of TV/computer/video games or phone all the time. 

To teach kids use less electronics, we have to set a better example as a parent. And believe me I am not any different than any other parent in this area.

• SLEEPING ARRANGEMENT:

 I have seen several kids in my practice where parents will bring them cause they can't sleep alone or, they are afraid of the dark and have a lot of anxiety.  Why is it such a big deal in western society to send a child in a separate room from the 1st day? Why do parents then need their "own" time away from the child when they were the one who wanted to bring this child in this world? Why rush! Let the child be with the parent till he/she is ready to be on their own. In the developmental stage it is very normal to have some fear, and anxiety but at the time if they are with parents they can trust it builds up their sense of security, confidence to be alone and I can assure you they will move out one day! And then you will be missing them so much!

• SELF CENTERED SOCIETY:

I also see some parents always treat their child with sense of "entitlement". For example: "my kid will only eat this" or will need some kind of special treatment just to give importance. What they are not realizing is that they are creating a future narcissistic adults who are "self centered" and when they don't get the attention they are hoping for it will be a disaster. 

Teach kids to learn to be comfortable in any situation and it is ok if he/she didn't get pizza when everyone else is eating something else .

 SO HOW TO BE A PARENT IN 2020!

There is no good parent or bad parent. You are just a parent! Keep learning from your mistakes and try to correct it as you go along.

•  Practice what you preach.
•  Stop buying things you don't need or your child doesn't need!
• Teach them good values by applying in your own behavior.  
• Do not compare them with other kids' achievement but focus on their strengths not their weaknesses. 
• Help them to outgrow their weaknesses buy supporting, and assuring them.
•  Find a time to listen to what they have to say. If you don't listen to their "not so important stuff ", they will not talk to you about important stuff in life.
• Don't focus to making all As but focus on "do your best" and learn what you are doing not just for grades. 
• Don't encourage perfection but encourage to live with some imperfection in life! Life is not perfect.
• Teach them that it is ok to fail in life. 
• Sometimes success is through failure. Those who know how to handle failure better are the ones who succeed in life. It is better to let them fail in younger years then as an adult. It gets harder if you don't know how to get up from the fall as an adult!
• Teach them about their roots, culture, spiritual or religious belief as a family.
• Especially if you are an immigrant, it is very important that they appreciate, respect their culture of origin and also accept good things/assimilate from new cultures. Kids who do not identify with their culture of origin will have more trouble in assimilating in a new culture and trouble with their identity.
• If people don't know where their roots are, it will be hard to grow up!
• Don't stop them from asking questions. Curiosity will help them to gather knowledge that they can use in different aspects of their life.
• Don't teach them " how to be successful" but teach them "how to be happy in what they do".
• Teach them what are they doing to help others.It is not all about what the kid want but teach them how to share and include others in their happiness.
• Teach them to respect kids with emotional or physical disabilities, with different race and religion and encourage them to include and not to exclude others. Today, we see so many adult bullies that it is our job to raise kids who can create a respected society in the future for all. 
• Money does not buy happiness!
• Spend time in nature with them and let them explore!
• Give them lots of hugs and kisses when they let you!

The current COVID crisis has allowed us to reflect on several things in our life, our priorities, family, health and has also allowed us to spend time with our kids. So create good memories of their childhood and while doing that we can create better human beings that we really need in the future!!

 

                                    PICTURE OF THE WEEK

                                                      

by Sonal Goswami, MD

 

                                    QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"Kids are not our slaves. They have their own soul and we are just a medium to bring them into this world and take care of them till they find their own path. Let's try not to control their soul". Inspired by Sadhguru.